Thinking

I don't know why, but I feel like crying right now. I'm not much of a crier, but I think it would feel good. I guess I miss my old life. I want it to be last year. Last year was the best year of my life. I was happy and confident. I had terrific friends around every corner, never lacking something to do. I felt loved, cared for, like I belonged. I learned a lot about myself and life, but it is all different now. I don't feel as confident, I don't have friends around every corner, I'm always lacking something to do, and I don't feel like I belong. I don't want it to take as long to find comfort this time around, because once I get it... it's gone.
I miss my best friend. I barely talk to her now. We chatted for awhile online last night, but it's not the same. Next time I'm home I'm gonna call her, see if we can get together. I miss the days when we could just hang out and be retarded. I want to be able to waste 4 hours decoupaging little boxes with her, gossiping about all the people we dislike. It makes me really sad that I didn't spend as much time with her this summer as I could have. I hung out with the guys most of the summer. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it. I loved being with them, but I wonder if I put her on hold because of them. Did I neglect you? If I did, I'm sorry. I can't help but blame myself for wanting to spend too much time with him. Even his best friend said that that's the only time he saw me, at his house. It was like a sickness. He's like a disease.(sometimes a good disease... maybe) I hate that, I don't want to be one of those girls. I don't want to neglect other people because of a guy. The thing is, she didn't hang out with that group like I did, so I didn't see her when I was with them. I had a terrific summer with them, but I can't help but wonder what it would be like now if I had hung out with her more. I barely ever talk to him anymore either. I talk to his best friend.
What is up with the universe? Why can't things just go the way I want them to? Then again, I'm sure I'm learning a lesson here somewhere. Haven't picked up on it yet though. hmmmm... I'm a little slow sometimes.