mine

I am a liar. Even when I do not open my mouth, my body is spewing with lies. I am not okay. I am not fine. I am not happy. I am not who you think I am. I am afraid. I am childish. I am confused. I am falling apart. I am cold. I am alone. I am hurt. I am weak. I am scared.

I shouldn't be left by myself. Long periods of solitude are unhealthy for me. I begin to get out of my mind. Last night was such a night. I was scaring myself. Really scaring. My thoughts and actions are unwanted, but inescapable. I think I've been having some depression problems lately, but of course I don't allow myself to reveal this to others. I don't even allow myself to cry.
I have secrets. I have problems. The biggest is my inability to share these things. I cannot even bring myself to type them here, where no one will see. I will see. I lie. I lie to everyone, including myself, especially myself. And I'm good at it. Years ago I lied to a therapist and had them fooled. I let them believe things that weren't true so that they would stop digging, and they did. Perhaps this is where it all went wrong.