cycle

I struggle with things a lot. Most of the time I don't know how to feel, don't know how to express myself. For a while I was on the verge of tears nearly every day. But I don't really know why. Some days I think I'm losing myself. Not that I even know who that is, not that I ever did. I'm really good at pleasing people, but it's wearing me thin. I graduate in one month. From this point forward, I travel with no map. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I want to go. I have no strong convictions about my future, and for that I come off as apathetic. I've been on edge lately. Words spitting out of my mouth in a cruel tone, making those I love the most fear my mood and apologize for setting me off when it was of no fault of their own. What's worst is that I don't know why. The stress. The pressure. The nervous uncertainty. The battles with myself. And honesty. And the past. Any number of things.

I used to like myself. But at the moment I don't. I've let myself down. I should have done things differently. But I lock myself away. I don't mean to act the way I do. I can't seem to control it. I can feel myself becoming more and more unhealthy. I've lost weight, and yet I still look at myself in disgust. My habits are wavering and challenging my thoughts every day. It really is exhausting.

My deepest secret has been hidden away for a long time. So much effort, so much pain. My demons are returning, and I don't know how to stop them. They know my weaknesses.

I need a change. But the wrong one and I'll fall deeper. I just need to hold on. Hold on to what I know and what I can depend on.