what's better than a hug from an old friend? probably nothing
I've been a while, it's friday night, and I'm in a place only deep thought can take you.
Life is a funny thing, huh? It's amazing how it can just go by without telling you. All of a sudden in a moment of weakness you turn around and realize that you're letting things happen instead of making things happen. It's difficult. So many things. Finding who you are and everything that means is impossible to do. I mean, I'm different today than I was last week, so how am I suppose to figure out who I am? I crazy indecisive and can barely make up my mind when it comes to deciding what to have for dinner, so how am I suppose to decide the important things. Do I really want to pursue these so called dreams? or are they someone elses ambitions? Is being this way worth it?
I struggle with one question a lot lately. Am I a bad person?
I think I push people away.
I think I hide behind things.
I think I do things that I shouldn't do.
Do I lead people on the way I've been told?
Am I a geniune person? Do I know how to be?
I wouldn't consider myself a very honest person.
I miss people like mad. I think a lot of this feeling was sparked by an old friend of mine that came to visit today. Unfortunately he was only here for little more than an hour. We basically just walked around and talked. I miss him. On the list of the top 10 people I wish I saw and talked to more, he'd be on it. Honestly, he's probably one of the greatest guys I know. He's one of those friends that you can go a while without seeing without it being weird and awkward to spend time with each other. It's just natural with him. A hug from him is warming to the spirit. It's calming. This probably sounds like I want him in my life as more than a friend but that's not the case. Been there done that. He has a wonderful girlfriend and I am incredibly happy for them. She's a lucky girl.
Me on the other hand... I am retarded when it comes to guys. I have a plethora of guy friends, but when it comes to more than that, I'm no good. Anything in the realm of seriousness frightens me. If you want me to commit to something, you've got another thing coming. I have problems commiting to radio stations and weekend plans. And this is where the pushing away comes in. You can be my friend, we can flirt, we can maybe makeout a little, perhaps we can hang out regularly and pretend as if we are in a relationship (rare cases only), but do not start to treat me like your girlfriend. Do not buy me flowers. Do not hold my hand. Do not even think about talking about future events. The weekend is as far as we go. If my subconscious rules are broken, I subconsciously sabotage the whole thing. Perhaps I fear the ruin of friendship.
Guys tend to get weird when things advance to more than just friends. I don't like it. It creeps me out really.
Have you ever told someone that you had little interest in but that was very much into you that you didn't want anything as serious as they were looking for and you really didn't even want a boyfriend right now... only to find yourself attracted to them a few short days later? Most likely because any threat of things getting serious was now gone. I like guys that I know there is no chance of a seriousness with. I'm attracted to deadends.
And now there are two. Two guys that I could make my boyfriend in a second. I hang out with them as friends and ignore everything else. Sometimes I'll think I like one or the other and I'll subtly pull out the tiniest hint of flirtation. And then I feel bad because I just can't make up my mind and that simply isn't fair to anyone. Why give them hope? They stand no chance with me. They probably shouldn't want to stand a chance with me. There is no such thing as a chance with me.
What exactly am I holding out for? Maybe I need to leap.
Do you ever just wish you could do something without it having any affect on anything or anyone else. like it would be a completely independent event. Nothing else would be affected by it. Imagine. I wish this like crazy. I want my actions to be okay. I want to be able to do things without worrying about the outcome, without worrying about how others will respond and feel.
i need to stop now
Life is a funny thing, huh? It's amazing how it can just go by without telling you. All of a sudden in a moment of weakness you turn around and realize that you're letting things happen instead of making things happen. It's difficult. So many things. Finding who you are and everything that means is impossible to do. I mean, I'm different today than I was last week, so how am I suppose to figure out who I am? I crazy indecisive and can barely make up my mind when it comes to deciding what to have for dinner, so how am I suppose to decide the important things. Do I really want to pursue these so called dreams? or are they someone elses ambitions? Is being this way worth it?
I struggle with one question a lot lately. Am I a bad person?
I think I push people away.
I think I hide behind things.
I think I do things that I shouldn't do.
Do I lead people on the way I've been told?
Am I a geniune person? Do I know how to be?
I wouldn't consider myself a very honest person.
I miss people like mad. I think a lot of this feeling was sparked by an old friend of mine that came to visit today. Unfortunately he was only here for little more than an hour. We basically just walked around and talked. I miss him. On the list of the top 10 people I wish I saw and talked to more, he'd be on it. Honestly, he's probably one of the greatest guys I know. He's one of those friends that you can go a while without seeing without it being weird and awkward to spend time with each other. It's just natural with him. A hug from him is warming to the spirit. It's calming. This probably sounds like I want him in my life as more than a friend but that's not the case. Been there done that. He has a wonderful girlfriend and I am incredibly happy for them. She's a lucky girl.
Me on the other hand... I am retarded when it comes to guys. I have a plethora of guy friends, but when it comes to more than that, I'm no good. Anything in the realm of seriousness frightens me. If you want me to commit to something, you've got another thing coming. I have problems commiting to radio stations and weekend plans. And this is where the pushing away comes in. You can be my friend, we can flirt, we can maybe makeout a little, perhaps we can hang out regularly and pretend as if we are in a relationship (rare cases only), but do not start to treat me like your girlfriend. Do not buy me flowers. Do not hold my hand. Do not even think about talking about future events. The weekend is as far as we go. If my subconscious rules are broken, I subconsciously sabotage the whole thing. Perhaps I fear the ruin of friendship.
Guys tend to get weird when things advance to more than just friends. I don't like it. It creeps me out really.
Have you ever told someone that you had little interest in but that was very much into you that you didn't want anything as serious as they were looking for and you really didn't even want a boyfriend right now... only to find yourself attracted to them a few short days later? Most likely because any threat of things getting serious was now gone. I like guys that I know there is no chance of a seriousness with. I'm attracted to deadends.
And now there are two. Two guys that I could make my boyfriend in a second. I hang out with them as friends and ignore everything else. Sometimes I'll think I like one or the other and I'll subtly pull out the tiniest hint of flirtation. And then I feel bad because I just can't make up my mind and that simply isn't fair to anyone. Why give them hope? They stand no chance with me. They probably shouldn't want to stand a chance with me. There is no such thing as a chance with me.
What exactly am I holding out for? Maybe I need to leap.
Do you ever just wish you could do something without it having any affect on anything or anyone else. like it would be a completely independent event. Nothing else would be affected by it. Imagine. I wish this like crazy. I want my actions to be okay. I want to be able to do things without worrying about the outcome, without worrying about how others will respond and feel.
i need to stop now
posted by that girl at
8:42 PM
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