random observation #3

One of my roommates washes her hands rather thoroughly.

say a prayer

Tonight I learned that a guy I went to high school with died in Iraq. I'll leave that at that.

I then argued with a good friend about their feelings surrounding the subject.
I also learned that this good friend has a new girlfriend, which adds to the frustration noted in the previous post.

All of this was after a refreshingly fun evening. I decided that those few hours are what I need more of lately. Nothing extravegant. Just fun, laughter, smiles, and friends.
I told him tonight that I don't cry. If I did, I would.

boys wanted

It seems that everyone around me is either in love, starting an exciting new relationship, or at least having a good time going out. Perhaps it just seems this way because I've been in kind of a funk lately. It's bothering me today though. I don't know if I'm feeling jealous or what. Maybe it would help me out if I were a bit less cynical about love and a bit more adventurous in the social world. It's been much too long since I've even kissed anyone. It makes me want to just go and kiss the boy when I'm home this weekend. However, I may not even see him, much less get the chance to make out with him. Plus, that may be a tad awkward and unexpected. The fantasy will die, trapped in my mind, and my sexual frustration will continue. I've been content being single up until now, but God do I need a boyfriend.

tired

From the Axil of Evil: The Secret History of Sin curator's statement

"... there is no one definition to this question of evil. Each one of us has our definitions, views, and concepts. Each one of us has a face for our demons and monsters. Each one of us sees and justifies morality in our own light. Each one of us has our own skeletons hidden in our secret places. And every one of us is capable of being as petty and rotten as the bums we love to hate."

(The italics are my own.)

It's been a long day. I'm tired.

delusions

I made sure to set my alarm clock before I fell asleep last night to insure I'd have time to get ready this morning. However, the state of my mind changed sometime during my slumber. At roughly 2:30 a.m. I awoke with the realization that I had set my alarm by mistake. I was convinced that it was Memorial Day and I would, therefore, obviously not have class. Silly me. So after turning the alarm off, I fell back asleep, glad that I wouldn't be getting up early for no reason. (side note: today was not Memorial Day and I did in fact have class)
Sometime later I became aware of the fact that it was storming out. However, I failed to make the connection to the loud noises and thunder as I became furious with the damn garbage trucks, not understanding why they must empty the dumpsters right outside my window at 4:38 in the morning. (side note: there are no dumpster right outside of my window)
Then at some point I must have realized that turning the alarm off had been a mistake. Instead of simply turning it back on, I searched for my cell phone so that I could set the alarm on there. Why? because the time set on my alarm clock would no longer be correct, of course. I once again managed to fall back asleep, only to have some of the strangest, and occasionally disturbing, dreams.
It neared 9:00 as I stumbled out of bed, determined to make my 9:30 class. I'm afraid my mind is still a bit foggy.

Growing Up

I just realized that the true mark to adulthood is recognized at the consumption of your first crust piece from a loaf of bread. There are two end pieces in every loaf, and yet (at age 19 3/4) I do not believe I have ever eaten such a piece. Until today that is. I have always had strange quirks when it comes to food, this being one of them. It has never been a problem in the past since there was always a father handy to eat anything that I wouldn't. However, leaving the nest and doing your own grocery shopping on a tight budget changes things. No morsel of food shall be wasted, even if it is often cheap, tasteless food. So, less than an hour ago, I made the brave decision to conquer the intimidating end crust. I feel so grown up and responsible. I must say, it wasn't that bad, perhaps even tasty. Mother would be proud.

1, 2, STEP

I have never claimed to be physically fit. The slim figure of my youth was purley God given, and let's face it, the recent weight gain in the belly region is distressing. However, when compared to a nation of obesity, I feel more in shape than ever before. I've noticed that some people are simply lazy. I walked to class the long way because it was a beautiful day and walking indoors would be a pity. I reached the door to the environmental science building at the same time as another individual. I held the door open for him. He thanked me. As I held the door to the stairs open for him as well, I looked back a tad confused. He was waiting by the elevator. I recognized this person and knew we were headed for the same classroom. One flight of stairs was all that was required of us. However, he opted to wait for the elevator as I tackled the stairs. At least this suggests that he is a patient person, another concept lost in society.

lingering thought #11

I think too much about things that I shouldn't even be thinking about anymore.
I truly have come to peace with things. I must move on, but the thoughts remain. It's frustrating.

failure

A four question, three page calculus quiz is placed in front of me. Studying the night before had been scarce, but had been presumably unnecessary. The stress was minimal, having mastered such quizzes the semester before. My mad skills would carry me through with ease. With the homework assignment completed and understood, a quick glance over the notes was seemingly sufficient.
Now, as I stare at the middle of page two, my leg shaking uncontrollably, I rethink my decision. That simple little equation is in the back of the noggin somewhere, it's just hiding. The elusive little bastard. But alas! I believe I have found it, and the second needed equation can be easily derived from the first. I accept my answer as correct as I move on to the next problem.
Little do I know that fifteen minutes later I will be walking down the hallway, having handed in the quiz, searching through my notebook to find the equations only to discover that I have made a terrible mistake. Fifteen minutes and thirty seconds later I will be cursing my brain for its uselessness and the grade I will inevitably receive. The girl that gets obsessively good grades in calculus (along with every other subject) has just failed herself.
Let the self-imposed mental anguish begin.

random observation #2

The cracks in the sidewalk are blue.

what I learned today

They say you learn something new everyday. Today I learned that my schoolbag is not waterproof. Out of necessity to get to class, I treaded through the thick downpour earlier this afternoon, reaching maximum soakage after a mere minute and a half. As if my drooping clothing and soggy socks were not enough to distract me from the lecture of a rather handsome middle-aged professor, I discovered that the entire contents of my bag had not withstood the torrential rain. Notebook pages began to curl, causing my anal-retentive side to emerge. I will not survive the semester looking at such wreckage. My mental health is at stake.

lots

The summer of working is over and I am sitting in my apartment back at school. I'm here early because of the job I got up here, which makes things strange because my three roommates will not arrive until Sunday. Organizing everything is just foolish, since I will move it all later anyway, so it'll just remain everywhere for now.
I really looked forward to getting back here and having the opportunity to have a life again. However, now that I'm here, I just have very strange and mixed feelings about it all. I comforted myself with the thought that the upside to neglecting friendships all summer would be that it wouldn't be hard to say goodbye, that I wouldn't be leaving anything behind. I talked to friends rarely and saw them even less. All I ever did was work, and I figured that working would not be something that I would have to worry about missing at summer's end. I detached myself.
--The summer proved to be a strange one. I met a lot of people, a lot of different, unique people. I think my overall experience and exposure the past couple of months really changed me. It's really interesting how different peoples lives, ideals, values, and personalities are. I developed a respect and acceptance for everyone. It's fascinating how much your first impression of someone can change after you get to know them. Initial judgments just aren't fair. And just because someone has different views and beliefs, that doesn't make them a bad person. Sometimes, there more like you than you think. And you can learn from them, have experiences you otherwise wouldn't.--
...and I seem to have gotten off on a tangent. Where was I?
I detached myself. My subconscious plan failed, however. I developed relationships with people at work. Being friends with people you work with is convenient because even when you do nothing but work, you still see them. Sure they aren't the strongest friendships ever, but I'll be missing a couple of those folks. Chris and Allison and Steve and Tyler and Joe and maybe even Sean. I never had to pretend to be anyone with them, just me. I'd also like to have that second date. I could see myself really liking him. Timing is just inconvenient.
I was sitting in my car the other day, waiting for time to pass, when I heard a new song. I felt like breaking down and crying right there in the middle of the stupid parking lot, but I think I have lost my ability to cry. It was the song "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. If I didn't know better, I'd say that I wrote the song about myself and that the "you" in the song is a combination of random people, but mostly ME. Maybe I could do my own version and sing "because of ME". It's funny how much I hide from people sometimes. Actually, that's probably not funny.
What a downer.

stitches rhymes with...

(insert rhyme of choice)

As if the nasty rash I acquired was not enough, I sliced a chunk out of the tip of my finger. Thought it was completely disconnected for a while there, but alas, it held on by a bit. Now, with the stitches taken out, the skin is stiff and tingly. oh joy
Pretty sure I won't be missing that job too much.