cycle

I struggle with things a lot. Most of the time I don't know how to feel, don't know how to express myself. For a while I was on the verge of tears nearly every day. But I don't really know why. Some days I think I'm losing myself. Not that I even know who that is, not that I ever did. I'm really good at pleasing people, but it's wearing me thin. I graduate in one month. From this point forward, I travel with no map. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I want to go. I have no strong convictions about my future, and for that I come off as apathetic. I've been on edge lately. Words spitting out of my mouth in a cruel tone, making those I love the most fear my mood and apologize for setting me off when it was of no fault of their own. What's worst is that I don't know why. The stress. The pressure. The nervous uncertainty. The battles with myself. And honesty. And the past. Any number of things.

I used to like myself. But at the moment I don't. I've let myself down. I should have done things differently. But I lock myself away. I don't mean to act the way I do. I can't seem to control it. I can feel myself becoming more and more unhealthy. I've lost weight, and yet I still look at myself in disgust. My habits are wavering and challenging my thoughts every day. It really is exhausting.

My deepest secret has been hidden away for a long time. So much effort, so much pain. My demons are returning, and I don't know how to stop them. They know my weaknesses.

I need a change. But the wrong one and I'll fall deeper. I just need to hold on. Hold on to what I know and what I can depend on.

don't know how it happened but it did

I wrote this the end of June. I didn't publish it at the time for some reason. Perhaps I felt it was unfinished, but seeing it now (5 months later)... I think it's perfect. I'm only more in love with him now than I was then.

I remember a time when I didn't even believe in it, and I certainly still don't understand it, but I somehow fell into it. The big L word. Yup, I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy that loves me like crazy and I love him right back. His name is Michael and it baffles me when I think about how perfect he is. I'm trying real hard to maintain my realistic point of view on things, so don't worry about that. If anything, whether we end up happily-ever-after or we both end up heartbroken and hurt, I'm learning things. I'm learning about what love is. I'm learning about myself, my comfort zones, what it really takes to make my truly happy. I'm learning about my strengths and I'm learning about my weaknesses. I'm learning that sometimes you don't have to be perfect. I still may not believe in love at first sight or soul mates but I'm proud to say that I believe in love.

"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it will."

At First Sight
-Nicholas Sparks

hut hut HIKE

I've never been one to put together a five year plan. I'm more of a "by the seat of her pants" kinda gal. But the quickly approaching graduation has me doing a lot of thinking. So here is the GAME PLAN:

--I took the 1st actuarial exam in August and failed miserably.

--I came back to school for my senior year thinking that I needed a job terribly.

--I became employed by a nice restaurant... I HATED it.

--I QUIT. Not because I'm lazy, but because if I'm going to be serious about studying for this exam to retake it in February I'm not going to have the time to work ~30 a wknd.

--So now I'm gonna get strict with myself!

--There will be study time and workout time added to every one of my anal little calanders.

--The library will become my second home once again.

--I will find a nearby internship in which to fulfill the remainder of my credits and gain valueable experience.

--I will do amazing on the exam in Feb. (hopeful... I'm a hopeful one)

--I will go out celebrating afterwards. There will be drinks, you can be sure of that.

--I will spend the rest of my final semester working at this amazing internship (hopefully) and finding real jobs for after graduation.

--I will look into post-graduation housing (though this may be hard without knowing my future place of employment.)

--I will be SMART and SEXY(er) (remember?... I'm gonna work out) and IN LOVE with an amazing man.

--My life will be GRAND!
except for the whole paying off the debt :

immature

I have been. I've been immature and I've been foolish. I've been just plain childish.
But then, I've been a child. I've been young, and young people are immature and young people are foolish. I'm gonna say that this makes it okay. Have I learned? Sure. Have I become stronger? I guess. Have I become a better person? I like to think so.
Now that that's all taken care of, I can move on.
Right?
But the reality of it is that I've still got a lot of learning to do. I always will and that's okay.
My life has been good. I'm blessed in so many ways that I cannot imagine what I ever did to deserve it. Even when I'm hard on my luck anyone would consider me a lucky gal. I have someone to thank for that, but I don't do it enough.
It is my senior year of college. This is it. Come May I'll be graduating and entering the real world. Just the thought of it scares the hell out of me. I don't know that I'm ready to face the world of a full-time job, bills, and basic independent living. That is, IF I get a job and IF I have anything to my name requiring bills. There are no bills to be paid when you live out of a box under a bridge. It gets cold in Wisconsin. I hope I find a furry friend to cuddle up with on those cold winter nights. Seriously though, if you were to ask me where I'll be in 8-9 months I wouldn't have a clue and the cardboard box is probably the answer I'd give you.
This whole post seems to have taken a strange turn. It was gonna be about how silly I find myself as I read old posts. They all seems like ages ago, lifetimes ago. Mostly because they are.

library shizz

It's no secret. I spend a lot of time in the library.
I realized something the other day. Call it disgusting, call it depressing, call it inappropriate, call it abnormal, but I really think it may be true.
I think I use the restroom in the library more than I do the one in my own apartment.
I think one needs to evaluate the amount of time spent somewhere when this is the case. I've become very knowledgable about the toilets in that place (a fact I don't know that I should be proud of). If you want to know which toilets flush properly and which ones don't, just ask.
Also, the comfort level I've obtained is alarming to me. I have this problem with going number 2 in a public place. My body simply does not allow it. And yet, I do this horrid act in the library as if it were my home. Perhaps I need to take a break from the library. (as if this were actually a possibility before the end of the semester.)

I do realize that this is a terrible thing to post about when I haven't done so in the longest time... but I'm the disgusting person that dumps in the library, so get over it.

what's better than a hug from an old friend? probably nothing

I've been a while, it's friday night, and I'm in a place only deep thought can take you.

Life is a funny thing, huh? It's amazing how it can just go by without telling you. All of a sudden in a moment of weakness you turn around and realize that you're letting things happen instead of making things happen. It's difficult. So many things. Finding who you are and everything that means is impossible to do. I mean, I'm different today than I was last week, so how am I suppose to figure out who I am? I crazy indecisive and can barely make up my mind when it comes to deciding what to have for dinner, so how am I suppose to decide the important things. Do I really want to pursue these so called dreams? or are they someone elses ambitions? Is being this way worth it?

I struggle with one question a lot lately. Am I a bad person?
I think I push people away.
I think I hide behind things.
I think I do things that I shouldn't do.
Do I lead people on the way I've been told?
Am I a geniune person? Do I know how to be?
I wouldn't consider myself a very honest person.

I miss people like mad. I think a lot of this feeling was sparked by an old friend of mine that came to visit today. Unfortunately he was only here for little more than an hour. We basically just walked around and talked. I miss him. On the list of the top 10 people I wish I saw and talked to more, he'd be on it. Honestly, he's probably one of the greatest guys I know. He's one of those friends that you can go a while without seeing without it being weird and awkward to spend time with each other. It's just natural with him. A hug from him is warming to the spirit. It's calming. This probably sounds like I want him in my life as more than a friend but that's not the case. Been there done that. He has a wonderful girlfriend and I am incredibly happy for them. She's a lucky girl.

Me on the other hand... I am retarded when it comes to guys. I have a plethora of guy friends, but when it comes to more than that, I'm no good. Anything in the realm of seriousness frightens me. If you want me to commit to something, you've got another thing coming. I have problems commiting to radio stations and weekend plans. And this is where the pushing away comes in. You can be my friend, we can flirt, we can maybe makeout a little, perhaps we can hang out regularly and pretend as if we are in a relationship (rare cases only), but do not start to treat me like your girlfriend. Do not buy me flowers. Do not hold my hand. Do not even think about talking about future events. The weekend is as far as we go. If my subconscious rules are broken, I subconsciously sabotage the whole thing. Perhaps I fear the ruin of friendship.
Guys tend to get weird when things advance to more than just friends. I don't like it. It creeps me out really.

Have you ever told someone that you had little interest in but that was very much into you that you didn't want anything as serious as they were looking for and you really didn't even want a boyfriend right now... only to find yourself attracted to them a few short days later? Most likely because any threat of things getting serious was now gone. I like guys that I know there is no chance of a seriousness with. I'm attracted to deadends.
And now there are two. Two guys that I could make my boyfriend in a second. I hang out with them as friends and ignore everything else. Sometimes I'll think I like one or the other and I'll subtly pull out the tiniest hint of flirtation. And then I feel bad because I just can't make up my mind and that simply isn't fair to anyone. Why give them hope? They stand no chance with me. They probably shouldn't want to stand a chance with me. There is no such thing as a chance with me.

What exactly am I holding out for? Maybe I need to leap.

Do you ever just wish you could do something without it having any affect on anything or anyone else. like it would be a completely independent event. Nothing else would be affected by it. Imagine. I wish this like crazy. I want my actions to be okay. I want to be able to do things without worrying about the outcome, without worrying about how others will respond and feel.

i need to stop now

oh snap!

Much to my delight, what I once thought to be extinct has hung on to life with a fierceness.

Remember when you were four years old and you wore those tiny, little Oshkosh B'Gosh jeans with the elastic around the back? And remember how those adorable pants had snaps on them because your chubby little fingers were still too clumsy to master the complexity of a button? It was much like having velcro on your pink, barbie shoes because you couldn't grasp the concept of the bunny ears or the loop swoop and pull. But of course you eventually graduated from the velcro and moved on to laces. You sat on your kitchen floor perfecting the skill until you were finally ready to trade in those childish, velcro, barbie shoes for something more sophisticated, like New Kids on the Block (who you only knew of because of your older, "cool" sister).
The time also came to trade in your beloved Oshkosh B'Gosh jeans. Out of no where, the day came when the elastic back was stretched to its limit. It was time to go shopping. Big kid pants don't have elastic, stretchy backs. Big kid pants don't have snaps. It was time to grow up.
Remember fumbling around with the darn things, staring at the opening of your pants with your tongue sticking out in concentration each and every time you needed to pay a visit to the little girls' room? Isn't it always a bit embarrassing when you don't return from the restroom promptly? So why did we have to do away with the snaps?
Fortunately for the lazy, the challenged, and the fat-fingered everywhere, it seems that snap pants are not only for the young after all!! I saw them the other day while I was working and was wandering around aimlessly attempting to look occupied. I was pretending to straighten pants and button buttons to make them look more appealing to the meandering customers. As I moved from one rack to the next I found myself perplexed.
"These buttons are not buttons" I said to myself. "These buttons are snaps. Holy God. These buttons are snaps on a grown person's pants. This is very exciting news."
So fret no more, my friends. If you still, after 15+ years, are not comfortable with the buttons on your pants, look harder. Snap pants are out there. Get yourself some.

2 week notice

This message serves to inform that I, Kate, will be 21 years of age in 2 weeks. The day is finally on its way. I really have no big plans. We'll probably end up just chilling around here, as most of my friends (the ones that I'd probably want to hang out with the most) are not yet 21 themselves. This leaves out the great bar opportunities. I don't really know that I care though. Part of me feels like I should get completely and ridiculously schnockered, just because it seems like the right thing to do, like it's a person's resposibility to get hammered on their 21st. However, the other part of me thinks that I don't like the feeling of getting sick and I don't know that I want certain people to see me that way. Even my best friend has never seen me at my most liquored. This is a pity as well as a blessing. She doesn't really like to drink much herself so I fear her having to check on me as I lay on the bathroom floor moaning. It'd promise to be a hell of a time before hand though. Rowdy, energitic, drunken Kate. Those who know her (which really isn't many) love her. (this includes me)

All of this typing is making me thirsty. Would it be wrong of me to pull out the Malibu... at 1:30 in the afternoon... when I'm here by myself?

I've been a busy busy girl, but this weekend I have all to myself. I went home for Thanksgiving, WHICH I LOVE, but had to be back here to work yesterday. Hopefully, I'll get motivated and get some things done.

I've come to the unfortunate realization that the probability of me having any sort of life is dreadfully slim until mid may. Ya see, between the crazy studying and work I am left with little time. Next semester is going to be worse. I'll only be taking 14 credits, but they will ALL be MATH. 14 credits of math. This is unhealthy. Just thinking about it.... Well, we won't get into all of that right now, but let's just say that my little need for perfection is psychologically damaging.

I forgot what I was actually going to write...

wow. I've been a bore.

btw

2 months until the consumption of achoholic beverages will be legal
WOOT

random observation #10

The garbage recepticles in the stall of the women's bathroom say:
"Pottsville, PA"
A little ironic, no?

I'm not dead

Exactly why do people think that I have nothing better to do all week long than mounds and mounds of homework and STUDYING? How exactly am I supposed to find time to fill out the 50 applications I picked up yesterday? And how exactly am I supposed to manage the job on top of the homework in the possibility that I actually get hired by SOMEONE. And how am I supposed to FEED myself if I do not find employment soon? And how exactly am I supposed to sneak in the FUN factor? Duh, how about we lay off me. Huh? No more of this crap.
eh. I supposed I could cut out some of the procrastination time that is characterized by me daydreaming and/or putzing around. But such time is precious to me.
Honestly though, the amount of time I spend working on school relating things is disgusting. simply disgusting

That about sums up my life right now. Sure there are other things, but those will have to wait until another time. After all, I have an Analysis exam tomorrow.

I find humor in the fact that Analysis has the word "anal" in it.
And it's things like this that keep me going everyday.