the breakup

I am an evil being.
I have a liking for a certain person of the male gender. This individual is attractive, smart, funny, and perhaps a tad goofy (I count this as a bonus). However, this individual has also been kind of a "thing" with someone else and they have been dating for roughly a month now. This someone else is a person that I may even consider a friend and I see quite frequently. It has been frustrating to sit by and watch them, but I'm a proper girl and wanted no part in causing trouble for them. I would never do that. To anyone. Much less to two people I am fond of.
Word has it these two individuals broke up last night.
I feel bad for them both. Having to go through a breakup is never fun, no matter the circumstances. Yet, I find myself hiding a little glee deep down. I realize that this doesn't mean that this gentleman and I will now get together. Such an event would be awkward and straining for everyone involved, especially if it were to occur in the near future. However, this leaves open the possibility. The occasional thoughts can now become daily fantasies. Oh, the pleasures of an innocent crush!

In other boy news:
I had a dream about the jailbird last night. They let him out for a day and he came to explain everything to me and tell me that he missed me (the boy's favorite line) and that he hoped we could still hang out after this whole deal was over. Part of me thinks that he's worth a chance. I've seen great people get caught up in bad things and no one deserves to be judged for that. I wouldn't have you judge me for the things I've done. The other part of me thinks I need to stay away. Hell, I won't be back there 'til mid-May anyhoo.

none

I have no time management skills.

phrase it

Duh, people. Think.
I know I'm probably not completely innocent of the things I will proceed to rant about in a minute, but sometimes a person needs to pretend that they are perfect as to avoid the reality of it all. What's funny is that this is actually one of my other pet peevs, b*tching and moaning about things that you yourself are guilty of (like they way people drive, cough cough)... but we'll ignore that for a sec.

Don't use a saying if you don't know what it is. Even if you think you know how it goes, think about it for a second. If it doesn't seem to make sense, rethink using it.
It's NOT: forever and today
It IS: forever and a day
For instance you may say you'll love someone forever and a day. You are saying you'll love them forever and then a day more even. You're not saying that you'll love them forever and maybe today too.
It's NOT: I could care less.
It IS: I couldn't care less.
You mean to say that you care so little that you are incapable of caring any less. If you say the incorrect statement, you are actually saying that you care a bit, therefore making it possible for you to care less. Man, this one seriously annoys the hell out of me. I'm getting my angry face just typing this shit.

There are millions more of these. I simply cannot think of them at the moment and for this I could not care less.

night two and day last

I shouldn't think when I drink. It makes for a less enjoyable experience. I should also stay true to myself. (which I did but only half way) Blah, it was still a good time and I'm gonna miss those crazy kids.
I just finished my last day of work for the break. Is it sad that I'm going to miss that too? Yes, Jessica, I do not lie. Working there is less stressful than school. I know what I am doing there. I never have to stress over an exam, a lengthy paper, or my not-so-perfect grades. I have fun there, as strange as that may be. Can I also add that working makes me money while school costs me oodles and oodles of money? Sure I'm not making six figures, but it's not like I have any grand future careers in mind. I feel so lost at school sometimes that at the beginning of the year I seriously considered taking some time off. In reality I do not have the balls to do so.
I've been told by my boss many times in the past that he wishes he didn't have to lose me and that I'd always have a job there. He made even more serious offers in the past couple of days. I know that it would be more than a little stupid for me to quit the college deal to work there, but it is hard to leave and go back to GB when I've been happy here and not so much there.
There are a lot of people that I hate to leave every time I go back to school. I even miss leaving my boss. Sean is a good guy, probably one of the best bosses a girl could ask for. Who else can joke with their employer about the size of her bum? (in a non-creepy way, I promise)

breakage and repair

I suppose spring break is half over. This is a bummer.
I wasn't sure I'd want to hang out with a certain boy at all while here, but as soon as I saw him I thought, "oh damn, all rationality is fading". Unfortch, he informed me that he would be spending some time in jail soon. Yeah... jail. I think this is one of those good girl attracted to the bad boy things. What can I say? Anyway, when he asked if I was gonna show up and hang out with them on his last night, I said I'd be there. When I called Al the next night to find out the dealio, she told me all about him getting picked up a day early. I hope he's surviving.
I wasn't gonna let any of that keep me from having fun though. Yeah I'm poor and have to work over break, but I'm even trying to make that enjoyable. There are some good people working there. I was saying how it's my spring break and getting intoxicated is part of the rules. Of course Allison's a pal and wouldn't let me break those rules. I think that was the most fun I've ever had while drinking. I had never hung out with just Allison and Serena before, without Chris around. (Ray, Chente, and Jason were there too) It was a good time.
Look at what I can do!
This week is exactly what I've needed for a long time.
I'm definitely rambling but I don't care damnit

not so much springing into break...

... as I am stumbling into it as if intoxicated.

I'm thinking I should be pretty upset right now over the exam I did not-so-perfect on this morning, but I'm too exhausted for such emotion. I don't even have enough strength to complain it and whine about how I'm going to fail proofs. At least it's over? Hell, I can always just drop out of college. Where is a degree in mathematics going to get me anway? A counciler at nerd camp during the summers? I can always go back home and work at BK for the rest of my life. Yup, it's final. I'm a lifer.
I think tonight should be margarita night. Here's to not having to go to class tomorrow, or all next week. Whoopah!

bf

unreliable. you're unreliable.
make up your mind. i thought i was indecisive.
don't base major decisions on where your boyfriend is.
seriously.
think about how your choices affect other people.
seriously.
don't say things with a certainty if you are not certain.
when you make up your mind, stick with it.
stop feeling sorry for yourself.
stop making excuses.
don't assume that others don't mind waiting for you.
don't assume that others don't have choices to make that depend greatly on your choice.
don't assume that what you want you will get.
don't assume life is easy.
stop. listen.

be reliable. that's all i ask. be reliable. be someone i can count on.

this is not a good week for this shit. i'm stressed enough with school and everything else. i don't need this now. screw it. and we all wonder why it always appears as though i don't give a shit about anything. apathetic? yeah. but i have reasons yo. why should i care about shit if caring is just gonna smack me in the face? i'd rather not care and not have to deal with crap than care and get clobbered by it. emotionally void is what i'm becoming and i can't say it's my fault alone. i'd like to take all the blame, but that's part of what is killing me. every day lately i find myself on the verge of tears. what the hell is wrong with me? i need to be home. i need to be home. spring break cannot come soon enough.

question

How do you know if eggs are good eggs?
And I don't mean from my ovaries. I mean like from a chicken.

random observation #7

I can tell who certain people are by the sound of their footsteps.

Some people have distinctive walks, drag their feet in a certain way, or wear particular shoes, so I know who they are before I see them. Maybe I should join the circus or magic show of some sort, have people walk up from behind me, and I'll wow the crowd with my amazing psychic abilities. Finally, a career worth pursuing.

f-bombs flying

I went to bed almost 3 hours ago.
As I lay awake, I get more and more pissed off with each passing minute.
At some point recently my "down in the dumps" turned into "resentment towards everything".
The past couple of days I've found myself having the strange urge to flip everything off. I felt the need to direct my middle finger at my homework, at my phone, at the thought of numerous individuals.
Have you ever been so angry it makes your head hurt?

Compassion. Where the hell did it go? Respect. Where are you dude? Honesty. Can you come here for a second? Morality. What the hell is morality?

I'm 20 years old and I'm sick of being the girl that gets walked all over and used.
I'm sick of being nice. I'm sick of being secondary. I'm sick of letting things happen.
I'm 20 years old and it's about time I get pissed off and put an end to this shit.
It's time to put myself first and stop caring about other people. My heart just died a little.

"Did I ever tell you about how I don't believe in love? Because I don't. I could go on for days but it would probably make everyone mad at me. My heart is made out of something odd... like playdoh, or rock, or polyester, or perhaps mud. Hell, it's probably horse shit."

My definition of love includes putting the other person first. I don't see that happening. I only see that with my parents. Don't f'ing lie to me.

I have not cried in approximately 1 year, 5 months, and 14 days. This fact and everything it includes and everything it implys ironically makes me want to cry, but of course I will not allow myself to do so.
I'm gonna bet this isn't healthy.

Ever notice how everybody bitches and complains about people doing this and people doing that, but of course it's okay when they do it. A little hypocritical don't ya think? It's especially fun to witness when they make the same exact offense literally thirty seconds after their little rant.

I'm gonna crawl back into bed, flip off the ceiling (with both hands), and attempt to get some sleep.

because that's the sort of mood i'm in

I have a load of homework and junk that I should do. I have not done an ounce of homework since probably last wed. But screw that shit.

I have (had?) an adorable little plant that I would loving water and place by the window everyday. Earlier I knocked it over, causing it to spill and fall under my bed, probably leaving dirt everywhere. I simply said, "shit" and proceeded to take a nap. It'll still be there tomorrow.

I have a uber-lame meeting I have to go to in an hour and I was informed that dress was "business casual". Excuse me? This is a student senate meeting. aka a meeting with a bunch of losers who have nothing better to do than pretend we're the friggin' US gov. Why the hell should I dress up? Sure, it'll be a pretty intense meeting tonight, but nothing will take place but bitching and eye gouging. My jeans will blend in fine thank you.

I gave up candy for Lent. I'm eating a friggin' hot fudge sundae poptart just to satisfy my chocolate craving. Here's to loopholes!

BOOZE! PASS THE BOOZE
Where's the tequila when you need it?
(by booze I mean nonalcoholic beverage and by tequila I mean vacuum)

scandalous secret #6

I've used the phrase "junk in my trunk" in real conversasion.
As in, I meant the phrase to mean "the belongings in the trunk of my car".